What Lies Are You Feeding Yourself?

Do you know who you are, or are you trying to make yourself fit into a society-imposed box?

Six years ago, I struggled in my new relationship. At the time, I had only been dating my then-boyfriend (now husband) for maybe two years. Some would believe that is a long time, but it’s not in basketball years (lol). Your partner mostly travels for work, and you only spend extended amounts of time with them in the summer.

When I met my husband, he was playing in the NBA, so he was truly busy with little to no flexibility, but luckily, we met right before the summertime. Like most serious relationships, they happen so fast and without zero warning. At the time, he was in the process of moving to Atlanta, and his plan was to live the ultimate bachelor’s life. DJ was not ready to be in a serious relationship, and it was the furthest thing from his mind. In the beginning, we would break up a few times, but somehow, we were pulled back together like a magnet. It took a lot of time and growth for us to work well together. I won’t even lie or sugarcoat it, but there was a lot of resistance and maturity that needed to happen. One of the main reasons I struggled was because I quickly became a mom of two (at the two-year mark in our relationship), and I was still growing up myself.

One of my close friends at the time was a hairstylist and suggested I would look great with blonde hair. I knew my partner loved colored hair, so I decided to go for it. I felt pressured to do it because I was insecure. I did it because I wanted my partner to love me more and look at me like I was edgy like other girls.

The statement “a woman who cuts her hair is about to change her world” rings true, but it also applies to extreme color changes. That hair instantly changed me. It sounds weird to say, but I embodied that hair. Everything I needed it to be it was. No lie, my relationship went from struggling to an engagement announcement three months later. A year or so after the engagement, my mental health started to decline. I went from living carefree to always caring. My life was quickly filled with anxiety. I got the life I manifested and dreamed of but at what cost? I grew up mentally because life was putting me in situations that forced me to grow, but I was picking up bad characteristics along the way.

And it started with my hair.

It sounds small, but I did it to be someone I wasn’t. I did it to fit into the “box.” By not being who I truly was, I struggled even more with stress and anxiety, and then came panic attacks. My need to conform started small but constantly grew. Trying to fit into society’s standards was a big part of my downfall. I kept the blonde hair for six years mainly because I was afraid of what would happen if I went back to basic hair.

Would my husband be happy with basic?

Would I be happy with it?

Would people like it?

Will I still look edgy?

It was finally time to stop doing myself an injustice. I got bold and let it go. When I looked at myself in the salon with brown hair, tears started to come from my eyes. I guess I missed the girl that was basic, the girl that didn’t have a care in the world. For years, I lied to myself because I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. The lies we tell ourselves do not serve us; they hinder us.

Who are you really?

What lies do you tell yourself?

It could be something as small as hair or why you wear a certain type of clothing. But I encourage you always to be your true self, the one that is madly in love with all your decisions and allows things to line up in your favor while sprinkling good in the world and hoping for the best.